Total Time of Reading: 8 and 1/2 minutes. – (Bold Script Only: 3 minutes).
Becoming an “Enlightened Asshole”
“Just be confident.” How many times have you heard that one? In the past that saying made me feel so aggravated. Screw you and your “just be confident”! I feel it would be a similar experience asking Babe Ruth how to hit home runs. With his likely response being “I don’t know, just swing…” In the beginning, it doesn’t feel that simple.
Many of us have tried “just swinging” and have tried “just being confident”. Yet when you don’t have confidence, and you don’t hit home runs in your love life, the word “just” is such an understatement when put in front of the words “be confident“. For most people, it requires more understanding…
What about this one? Whether you’re a woman or a man reading this, we’ve all been guilty of saying this at some point: “The bitches/assholes always get the guys/ladies” Though many “guru’s” avoid this subject, there is some truth worth exploring within that statement. Let’s explore some of the reasons “assholes”, or “bitches” may find more success with the opposite sex than the common person.
In this post I’m going to break down one of the keys that brings people with seemingly blunt characters a little more success within attraction.
After reading this post you’ll be able to harness the good without having to embody the bad. Consider this post your training wheels to more confidence in a way that makes sense.
Many men that I’ve mentored asked how I got my confidence. Most of whom seem to think my confidence developed as I gained praise from women I met/dated. Let’s not bullshit… That worked wonders. Confidence does develop as you hear the same compliments from a lot of attractive women. Yet that isn’t where I gathered the confidence that kick-started my overall confidence. Which that is likely much more important for you individually: What is going to kick-start or give you room to grow into the next level of your confidence?
Many of you know I didn’t start off successful in my love life. I started out just the opposite. My confidence couldn’t come from experiences with women, because at the time my experiences with women proved I was undesirable. My confidence started to take life somewhere else…
Most of my confidence came from a bucket list I created. This list had 300+ feats, adventures and goals that helped me gain pride and character. Yet some of the most profound experiences on that list were found in meeting idol’s of mine. I made a list of “guru’s”, authors, and mentors that I wanted to meet, and still to this day I work on renewing and accomplishing that list.
An interesting thing happened as I started meeting the people that I looked up to at the time. They all had what I perceived as asshole characteristics. Even many leaders in spirituality, authenticity, or meditation seemed to carry asshole tendencies. They seem to care more about themselves than most anybody else. Yet the more I stepped into my authentic confidence, the more it revealed the truth behind what I was labeling as “asshole”.
What I was really seeing was “Non-Reactiveness “. A trait most successful people carry as well as many harsh people. Non-Reactiveness is an enlightened state of valuing your own views, actions and overall way of life more than you value someone’s judgements of your opinions.
To help break down Non-Reactiveness, start of by thinking about the author’s and leaders that you look up to. The road they take to get to success forces them to develop resolution in what they believe. The average person panics when asked to fully express their passion to a group of 3 people. Imagine striving to develop, publish and mentor your passion to thousands. Not just speaking to two strangers in a bar, but putting your beliefs out for anyone to see. All while being compared and watched by those you admire.
In fact, imagine some of the people that you learned so much from, one day becoming your competition. Imagine the sense of resolution you would have to develop around your passion to become successful.
You might have trouble listening to your voice or looking at a candid picture of yourself. These people have to handle watching videos or listening to audio recordings that were dispersed to thousands of people (from personal experience and in talking to other leaders, we all started out hating our voice as well, however repetition weeds out fear).
As experience builds, you develop a sense of Non-Reactiveness to people’s praise or criticism. You’d value your passions and your own opinion of yourself more than you’d value a stranger’s opinion. Stranger’s opinions around things you’ve contemplated and worked on for years wouldn’t cause you to emotionally shudder. Even praise and criticism from most of your friends wouldn’t make you break your opinions.
Your own opinion would genuinely matter more than most other people’s opinions. You’d be less reactive, or non-reactive to most people’s opinions because they aren’t the ones who define or validate them. You would have so much self-assurance in your own beliefs that a common persons opinions couldn’t make you quiet the strength behind your passions.
You wouldn’t be non-reactive in all areas of course. You and I wouldn’t act to know everything about becoming The World Hotdog Eating Champion. We’ll leave that to Takeru Kobayashi. Yet in areas where you’ve had more experience and contemplation than the average person, your opinion should be important.
There’s no need for us to become “Mr. or Mrs. Know It All”, but you can reach a point of knowing you know enough to value your own opinion.
“Mr. Know It All” = Bad
“Mr. Know Enough” to value your own word = Good.
Your desire to enjoy healthy sex shouldn’t falter because a clueless prude say you have filthy thoughts. Unless your sexual desire involves forcing Ms. Prude into the nearby alleyway against her will. Then you are truly an asshole. To such a man I recommend you slam your face into the computer screen with extreme force. You’re making men in general look bad.
Non-Reactiveness is about valuing your own views, actions and overall way of life more than you value someone’s judgements of your opinions. As you begin to acquire more praise and validation, other people’s opinions become less vital to you. After you’ve achieved something that others have said you couldn’t, you no longer emotionally flinch over someone saying, “you can’t do that”.
After having dozens of women say “I know this may seem like a lot, but feel like I love you” on the first date, I no longer emotionally flinch when someone calls me unattractive.
After positively impacted hundreds of people’s lives I no longer feel my day is made by someone saying “Wow you’re really good at this. Thank you!”
After spending 10+ years studying and actually applying stuff in my life and in the lives of my Vimbasi Brothers, I know longer feel challenged when some person that has only focused on their life tries to contradict my teachings on love, sex, and attraction.
Yet more importantly, after you become resolute in valuing your own opinion, your life begins to thrive. You even stop caring about whether people like what you life. It’s fine if people disagree. You start becoming less reactive to others’ opinions and more caring of your own perspectives, values and beliefs in the subject you’re very familiar in…
What you’re passionate about should be valued most by you. Little sense exists in belittling the passion in your opinions simply because someone else doesn’t agree. This is your life. It’s not your parent’s life; it doesn’t belong to the beautiful woman at the coffee shop nor the hottie at the music festival. It’s fine to not agree with them on everything. In fact, for you to gain your full integrity you will be required to disagree with on many things.
Look around at the people you are letting credit or discredit your life. How many of them are going to be in your life in a year, a month, a day or even an hour? How about that woman at the grocery store that doesn’t know you and won’t see you ever again? What about the barista that watch’s you approach the person you desire? Are they going to be around? Even if they will, is it smart of you to value their opinion of you more than you should? Look around at the people in your life and decide who will have more say than you in certain subjects. Who will you decide to look up to in areas of love, seduction, motivation, spirituality, compassion, business, finance, fitness, fashion, etc.? Select a small group of people that you believe have a better understanding of things than you do. Make sure that their opinions benefit and empower you.
People that aren’t put on a pedestal for valid reasons should have little effect on your emotional state when praising on criticizing you. There is value in believing that in some areas of life, you are the shit. There is greatness in believing it to the point that you have no need to prove or justify it. You purely desire to give life to your passions and beliefs unpretentiously. It’s simply, your self-resolution.
See that there’s a difference between a full state of Non-Reactiveness and being an asshole. Both of them have Non-Reactiveness. They both value their own opinion more than the common man. However the “assholes” are still attached to other people’s opinions enough to let it affect their actions. He/she efforts to prove that he doesn’t care; he proves his boldness with “I don’t give a shit!” attitude. It looks like he doesn’t care, he looks bold, yet when at home, or when heavily tested he falters.
The jerk barges his opinions in hopes of receiving validation or security. The “enlightened asshole”, or enlightened being has a true sense or self expression accompanied with an authentic “take it or leave it” mentality. You can try to pull them down, you can try to pick them up with your opinions, but their actions, thoughts and opinions are not made to impress you. They come from their own values and character.
This Non-Reactiveness in itself makes them more attractive. Full Non-Reactivness makes them trustworthier. You’re not going to find them kissing your ass, but you also won’t find them striving to say whatever they can to impress you. All of your heroes have a sense of this boldness. They express what few are willing to say, and through their boldness they arouse vivid responses. Heroes express what you feel you’ve always wanted to say. They don’t just say it when the times are safe for it to be heard. Their Non-Reactiveness naturally polarizes people’s responses to them. You no longer will be an unseen face in the crowd.
Authentic Non-Reactivness reverses the neediness that rejects the opposite sex, while pulling out the aspects that actaully make you who you are. This is also why pickup lines become popular but rarely work… The first person that made it popular likely said it and made it work… The first person that made it popular likely said it and made it work… “You look like someone I’d like to have in my bed tonight…” Onlookers can’t believe he said it to her and it went well. Then the average person attempts to use the same line. Yet his body, his pressence, and the way he walks, the way he responds, and how he looks at her (or doesn’t) all shows that he doesn’t believe what her is saying. It all feels needy and contrived. Then the line turns into simply that… A line.
When the originator embodied it with genuine Non-Reactiveness, he says it while every other part of his expression is congruent. Whether she rejects him or accepts him, he’s still going to be who he is. He is non-reactive and purely expressive. To him it’s not even a line. It’s just the truth.
So how do you begin applying the “enlightened asshole” lesson to your life? You start by developing your individual resolutions. Pick the subjects and skill sets you feel passionate about. What do you believe is beautiful, exciting, and worth exploring that others might not? What do you want your social interactions to stand for? In areas where you’re proficient and resolute, ask if you express them outwardly as you do inwardly. Ask yourself who you belittle your passions around. Then ask yourself why. Do you express your social beliefs just in words, or in the entire way you live?
Begin asking yourself for your authentic opinion more often than trying to match it to others. Uncover where you downplay your resolution in hopes of keeping things “nice” (often stagnant). If that’s a common habit, embrace Non-Reactiveness and step into your life as an “enlightened asshole” Where your words don’t harass the voices of others, but your own voice is definitely heard among the crowd regardless of whether it’s singing the same tune. Our lives hold value, let’s live like we believe that.
From the man that likely has your back more than you do:
Ander Adams Seductive Integrity & Relationship Design Mentor of the Vimbasi Warriors
<iframe src="https://player.vimeo.com/video/477808815" width="640" height="360" frameborder="0" allow="autoplay; fullscreen" allowfullscreen></iframe>