Why You Can’t Get A Date. The 3 Hurdles.
“It shakes me to my core!” Declared the honorable veteran and business owner.
“Why can’t I muster up the courage to go talk to the women I’m attracted to? I’ve been shot at, I’ve jumped from planes, I’ve had my trials in competitive fighting, but approaching a woman I want to meet in the grocery store shakes me to my core. Gunshots were easier than many aspects of love…”
Why is dating and attraction so difficult for most human beings? In this post we’ll tackle this question with the answers that apply to most everyone.
1: Most people don’t play through their strengths to get a date, but rather through their weaknesses.
Get rich, physically ripped, dress to impress, or hope that you wake up looking like Ryan Gosling, or Brad Pitt. Society will tell you that these are the avenues to a successful dating life are. Fortunately this is wrong and there are other paths that are actually more effective and prosperous (unfortunately most people won’t ever learn about them).
Truth is, no matter how much you work in these areas, it’s unlikely that you will reach the top 1% of people that can have their dating life thrive off of these attributes alone.
Take me for example. I have lost 75lbs since school and have put on much more structural muscle than I had before. I’ve improved my fashion sense to be regarded as better than average.
I even went to modeling school about 15 years ago (few people know that). And I finally have braces (that i resisted getting for years so I can learn how to attract and smile prior to getting them all in line). And you know what…
I STILL am not going to be regarded as someone much higher than a “7” on a 1 to 10 scale. Now wouldn’t we all like to say “that’s not right that people judge people on a 1 – 10 scale” but bickering didn’t help me and I haven’t seen it help others. Fact is, even well intentioned kindhearted people have an image in their mind of what is attractive enough to date and what isn’t. If you fall below a level “10”, then it’s not a good plan to rely on “attracting a partner from a visual distance” (relying only on you’re appearance to motivate someone to come talk to you).
Most people are trying to put on their best image or presentation, in hopes that it will motivate someone to walk over, and risk getting rejected in a social scenario, all for a potential date. This is a horrible plan if you aren’t in the top 1% of physically attractive people. In fact:
This is a horrible plan in general, that we are all guilty of. I can bet that you (yes you reading this) likely don’t approach most of the people you’re most attracted to. I bet that you, like most people, only muster up the courage to talk to someone that you feel you have a high chance of success with (or a high likelihood of being able to walk away unscathed). Which means what? In general people don’t approach the people they truly desire. They approach the people they kind of desire, but feel assured they will succeed with. In my opinion settling for sub-par isn’t a great mentality to build a relationship off of.
On top of that, conditions usually have to be perfect for people to muster the courage to approach someone they are interested in. It’s very likely that you don’t even talk to 2% of all of the people you find attractive.
The upside: Most all people are running with game plans that won’t ever work for them. And even those that do have an outstanding exterior image are only operating off that strength. You can easily surpass the competition if you get the right process that leverages your strengths and avoids the paths that don’t work in your favor.
Same is true with earning love by appearing wealthy…
First off, a Ferrari will make it easier for you to meet most women. Let’s not lie. You’ll definitely get more eyes on you, and your initial conversations will be much easier in general. For as many women that will say “NOT TRUE“, trust me there are a lot more the will say “Hey, Hey!!!“, or at minimum they’ll think this: “Hmm? Who’s this? What’s his story?” However, just because the beginning of the path is made easier with money, doesn’t mean that rest of it won’t get more difficult.
I have worked with a number of men that have the looks and the cars who ended up hiring me because they find out: “wow this doesn’t fix it all”. Sure they can get dates pretty much when they want (if they have a decent social life), but that doesn’t mean the dates are with women they truly desire. It doesn’t mean their love life feels congruent to who they are. It doesn’t mean that they have the ability to draw out the best version of the woman. It doesn’t mean that the women love and accept all of them. It doesn’t mean that the man believes he would have her without the money.
But getting to the reality of the money factor: Say you are a person with average income. Suddenly you strike it rich and you have the dream car and dream house. Here’s how it will play out: You will likely be king over some of the people (likely all of whom make less money than you) that are in your current social circle. That is until…
Generally: When you make more money, you start hanging out with people that make more money as well. Which makes you no longer the top dog, but just another guy in your social circle trying to get to the next level. Until you realize that it isn’t the best path for love, it’s somewhat never ending. You attract people with the qualities you portray you keep them with the qualities you possess. If all of what you have to offer is a flashy image, then what do you believe will happen if you one day grow old and loose it?
If you don’t already have the money and the looks, then it might not be the best avenue for improving your dating life. If you do already have the money and the looks than you likely know what I’m talking about… You’re probably looking around at your dating/love life saying: “Hmm. This is nice. But what’s next?”
Side Note: This doesn’t give you reason to throw your fitness or financial goals to the side. Just because you don’t need money or an amazing body to have a great dating life, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t work to achieve such greatness. Just establish wealth and health goals for other purposes than love.
2: When you approach the people you desire, your entire being believes that you are violating the #1 trait of the human species…
If I was to ask you to tell me about your most painful experiences in life, it’s very likely that you wouldn’t tell me about broken bones, car crashes and recoveries… It’s more likely that you’d tell me about loss of love, loneliness, heavy hitting rejection, and death of loved ones. Human beings experience social pain as being worse than physical pain. Don’t believe me? Read the book “Social. Why our brain are wired to connect.” by Matthew Lieberman.
Most people think that it’s our intelligence or the most recent evolution of our brains, the neocortex, that give us our strengths. Those are definitely strengths. But our most predominant strength is in your social habits and abilities.
Our strength exists in what we are doing right now. I’m translating to you, skills and insights that have taken over 10 years of diligence to uncover. When you invest time with me, you learn at a faster rate, the things that otherwise will take you a lifetime of devotion to learn. What I pass on to you, you will pass on to your social circles and to your children through osmosis and maybe even through direct teachings and conversations.
For example a lot of people that read my blog are people that have never spoken to me directly, but have heard my lessons through a friend that knows a Vimbasi Man who taught them something that he originally learned from me.
Truth is it’s unlikely that you’d survive for long if you were dropped into the wild by yourself with no support from others. If you did survive. It’s likely that you would survive because of survival skills you learned from other people, movies, books etc. It is also likely that if you survived you’d end up being like Tom Hanks from the movie Cast Away. “Wilson!” You’re mind would urge you to find ways to feel as if you had a human connection with anything resembling a human.
You can violate personal traits that are required for you to thrive in modern dating (dating as we know it hasn’t been around for even 100 years, prior to this is was arranged marriages and extremely limited options). Yet trying to violate the leading strength of mankind… That’s different.
The fear of getting publicly rejected is very real because it is very important not just for you to be happy, but for you to survive. It is not just an insecurity issue or a matter of courage. Unless you find a way to guarantee I higher likelihood of survival than that of public scorn, you are unlikely to follow through in taking any social risks.
So this doesn’t just involve you simply repeating the mental question of “what’s the worst that will happen?” It involves having the right support, the custom process (that’s actually fit to your strengths and personal goals), and steady application of wise insights.
PS: This social aspect is another reason why we say that “integrity” is so critical. Very few people will follow through on a plan that will make them loose more friends than it will gain and strengthen friends. Ultimately you have to believe that what you are doing is good at heart, otherwise long-term (and even short-term) follow through is unlikely.
3: There are too many variables for average people to quickly and clearly uncover what’s working for them.
This is the part of the puzzle that makes most people talk about dating as if it’s a luck based area of life: “just wait and someday someone will come along” – “last night I got lucky” – “you just have to wait until you find the one.” – “Unfortunately there just wasn’t any chemistry (talking as if romantic chemistry is coincidence rather than a tangible skill) – etc.
When you see clear patterns, you grow much faster. Fail to see the patterns and you will flounder in your growth.
In a beginners mind, he may believe that the words are very important. I hear it all the time: “What should I say to start the conversation? Give me a line.” – “What questions should I ask on a date? What should we talk about?” They are focusing on a variable that actually has little to do with the success in the situation. In reality there are much more important things at play:
- People generally do not hear the first sentence or two upon approaching them because they are adapting to the realization that they are being talked to unexpectedly. So your “line” is unlikely to even be heard.
- Are you expressing desperation, or ease (in voice and body)
- Did you continue speaking after your first statement or did you start a conversation that has no purpose to continue. “Um, Do you know where Starbucks is?” – “Yes. That way.” (and know you have little reason to continue speaking and are stuck in the awkward position of having to walk to the Starbucks you likely didn’t care to go to).
- Whether you seem easy to read or not. Is she defensively trying to figure out why you are talking to her.
- Are you expressing traits that are at their core attractive and strengths of yours, or are you asking her unending questions that gets her talking but never leads her to understand you or your personality enough to be attracted to you.
- The social situation: Did you try to talk to the person as their friend left the room? which inevitably leaves you looking like a chicken hawk when the the friend returns. Did you try talking to a woman that was about to leave or order in line?
All species generally have a fear of the unknown, and the complex always carries with it a feeling of confusion. Few people will overcome what’s hard to see.
Not only are there too many variables, but people often confuse correlation for cause and effect.
There’s a big difference between saying “Doing A (and A alone) definitively causes the result of B”, and “When B occurred we know that A was in the picture.”
In layman’s terms: Most people give credit (of success or failure) to the wrong things.
- Haven’t we all at times thought that we had a lucky outfit or materiel item. “Whenever I wear this (or drive this) I seem to do better” Yet in reality maybe it’s that you attracted someone great once while wearing it, so your mind lead you to believing the new outfit brought you luck. So from that day forth you actually are more confident and outgoing when you wear the outfit. It’s likely that the boost in confidence is responsible for your “luck” more than the materiel item was.
- “She wasn’t into me because I don’t look like Brad Pitt” thus she rejected me. Correction: maybe that woman prefers women. Maybe she just broke up with someone. Maybe it was that you stooped your shoulders, stuck out your neck a bit and raised the inflection of your voice when you started talking to her.
- “I always do well when I travel…” Falsely believing that traveling fixes their dating life or that they do well when they are in a certain country. No it’s likely that the quality of your personality and your willingness to take social risk increases when you travel… Not that Swedish women love you…
Years ago the mass of people gave the credit of life to “Spontaneous Generation” now we know that’s not the case. Years ago the mass of people thought the world was flat, now we know that’s not the case. You likely think your dating life is great, or not very good for the wrong reasons. Giving credit to the wrong thing is bound to have you blindly going in circles. We can uncover what root actions and traits are going to give you the desired result you’re looking for.
Summing it up:
Put all 3 together and you have a massive barrier (which is good). It actually keeps out most of the competition. The people that are better off than you now are going to continue taking paths that appears easier yet are actually crowded and harder as time goes on. Which in turn makes greatness easy for people that align with the right process and overcome these 3 hurdles of dating in a timely matter.
Handling area 1:
You have to uncover your true strengths and your true weakness. For you to do this you have to know what the strengths, weakness and effective options are. Which would take way to long for us to post here in this blog.
You can try to diagnosing yourself but your social – love life is likely the worst area to try to do that. There is no WebMD.com for Seductive Integrity, and even if there was, people generally are too close to their problems to have a clear perception of them. Reach out to us to have us for us to do a diagnosis. Due to a diagnosis of strengths and weaknesses being such a critical step, we don’t allow anyone to purchase any products or get involved in any of our mentor programs without first being evaluated for what you need to reach your goal in the quickest, healthiest, and most sustainable manner.
Handling area 2:
A process for winning isn’t the most critical element for getting over the social scare hurdle. Generally the more critical element is having a process for recovery and decreasing the chain effects of social rejections. Once again, this is an area that many think they can handle on their own yet few really can. This isn’t about mustering up the courage. There are actual processes behind it. No amount of ego is going to get you over continual rejection that is hurting your image as a person.
Most people try to fix this area by finding a low rejection process to getting a date… Most of these processes or options lead to non-passionate relationships, and they are generally very common paths that violate your strengths and have you playing to your weaknesses (not good). An example of this is online dating:
Online dating isn’t generally effective (as I’m sure you know), but it is popular for this low risk factor. Everybody does it because the impact of rejection feels much lower for some of these reasons:
- Getting rejected by people you barely know isn’t as bad as being rejected by people connected to your social circles or connected to locations you frequent.
- You get to tailor your account as much as possible (false perception of putting only your best foot forward).
- You don’t have to visually see the signs of rejection flash across the persons face or hear them come out of their mouth. Not getting a response to a online message is much less heart-hitting.
- You can sit and hope that someone can come to you. (lack of responsibility or facing the actual problems)
- Some of them even allow you to only connect with people that declare their mutual interest with you.
- You can do it while hiding in your room hugging a pillow.
All sounds great right? But 99% of the people using it are being forced to rely on strengths that they won’t ever have as much as the competition does.
Contact us and we’ll go over this with you on the phone after hearing what your goals are and evaluating what really is holding you back in your love life.
Handling area 3:
Now, you can effort to fix this area of life by doing what I did and what some of the original Vimbasi Warriors did: For roughly 15 years continually take massive risk in social situations, make a lot of mistakes, read every book you can find on the subject, pay for countless courses or seminars that kind of help but don’t fix much, ask thousands of women for answers to questions that you might not want to hear. Coach hundreds of other people (men and women) on the subject as they rely on you to fix their problems. After all of that you might be skilled at uncovering what really matters.
Sorry for that heart-hitting truth but I’d prefer to be honest with you instead of saying “With no effort at all, I can give you the quick fix to all of your problems!” If you want to be mislead then continue searching the internet for one size fit’s all courses, and men’s magazines. If you want to learn what actually matters, you need to get in contact with us.
Now many people can read this and assume it’s a sales tactic, but let’s be real… If these 3 areas could be simply handled via a blog post, then few people would have problems with their dating life. It takes more detailed attention. And I’m sure you’d prefer that attention coming with a guarantee, and from people that help many men and women of all different backgrounds and desires in reaching their dream life. It’s unlikely that your best friend or mother can even understand their own strengths or weaknesses, let alone guide you in fixing yours.
From the man that likely has your back more than you do:
Ander Adams, Lead “Seductive Integrity” & Relationship Design Mentor of the Vimbasi Warriors.