Longevity Doesn’t Determine The Success of A Relationship


Longevity no longer determines the success of a relationship

How long have you guys been together?” If you get asked that question when you’re in a relationship, does it bother you?

I’m not personally offended by it, but I do think it’s a foolish question… Let me point out why.

There are many people in long term relationships that have long been abused, mistreated, controlled and are completely drained of their passion for love and life. Yet when such a couple responds with “22 years”, people automatically give praise (that doesn’t serve the one praising nor the couple receiving the praise).

There are plenty of marriages that survive simply because both people feel trapped in the relationship. Each of them feeling like they can’t leave due to financial constraints, fears of not being able to find new love, worry about what family and friends will think, and unwillingness to look deep into the uncomfortable truth.

Let’s get something clear:

A long term relationship is not successful if either participant almost always feels dead inside.

Societal conditions have evolved. Security, as the main reason to get married, is quickly dying off. Passion is beginning to take priority.

Hundreds of years ago, marriage had a lot more to do with security, property transactions, intelligent family ties, control over resources and controlling family volume. Hundreds of years ago marriage was much more about survival and way more difficult to leave.

In the world of today, women have jobs allowing them to no longer be dependent on a man if they really don’t want to be. There are more options for birth control, child care and child support. Today, love, sex, and passion are more accessible and acceptable than it was 100 years ago.

At present. Love’s main purpose is generally passion, adventure, and a deep sense of being witnessed and known by someone that is romantically dear to you.

The question of “How long have you been together?” really doesn’t tell you much of anything. There are way more long term relationships that you wouldn’t want to be apart of, than their are long term relationships that you would want to replicate.

Maybe much more applicable relationship questions would be:

  • How long or frequently do you find that you are passionately in love?” Could that be an uncomfortable question to ask? Yes. But it will evoke much more truth and opportunity for growth.
  • Does your love life bring you the passion and expansive love that you desire?
  • Does your relationship aid both of you in becoming better people?
  • Is the relationship built off of true trust? Or is it controlled through unreasonable boundaries and person insecurities?
  • How free yet also secure do you feel within your relationship?
  • Does the relationship make you fall in love with life more?
  • Does your relationship shut you off to your passion or does it open you up to life?
  • Are you able to come together as a couple while still keeping the truth of who you are? Or do you have to shut off many parts of who you just to keep the relationship going?
  • How transparently welcome are you within your love relationship?
  • Do each of you love one another enough to set each other free if it is honestly the most serving thing you can do for your partner?
  • Do you feel your relationship is custom tailored to what you both desire, or is it built off of what society has told you it should be?


“How long have you been together?” will continue to be a question that can cover up, or overlook what’s really going on. It was more applicable for the people born in 1850.

Now, I’m not saying that short term love is the only way to go. I am saying that we need to reevaluate what we evaluate and praise (for our own sake and for others).

We need to influence our culture to stop valuing relationships based off of the length of their life, and begin valuing them based off of the life within them.

Just because a relationship ended, doesn’t mean it wasn’t valuable and successful. Some of the most successful love relationships are the relationships that consciously ended before they unconsciously started to bash, control, and resent each other.

There are many great relationships that are likely to come about in your life, that simply won’t work for logistical reasons… Call it what you will: timing was off, “the stars didn’t align just right”, they (or you) needed to work on themselves more, of “there’s this one thing that really made it illogical in the long run”.

Every relationship that you have been in the past has not been a failure simply because it ended. Many of them could have been or were perfect ending early. This doesn’t mean go chase any one of your ex’s down and date them again. PLEASE INVEST IN YOUR LOVE LIFE IN A DIFFERENT WAY THAN THAT! It’s likely that you and your ex deserve better.

Yet walking around constantly valuing or devaluing peoples love lives (or your potential lover interests) based off of how long it’s likely to last is doing you a disservice in many ways.

This is 2015: walking around and judging people on your first interaction off of whether you think they will be your life long love is stupid. Unfortunately, it’s also all too common for people to do just that.

Ask yourself: In my relationships what should I value above longevity?

Maybe your eyes and heart should be focused on something other than the expiration date…

Answer the above questions for yourself. Don’t presume you must give an answer that your parents would approve of. Feel free to pick more than one thing that means more to you than long term certainty.

Some people love longevity, for them Toyota may be their dream car. Personally I’m not wanting a Toyota for a relationship…

Maybe you’re a person that wants to prioritize other things as well. It’s up to you to decide, for yourself and for your Vimbasi Custom Relationship.

Some examples of things that you may want to prioritize more:

  • A deep sense of love and intimacy.
  • Progress and growth as a individual and as a couple.
  • Adventure, passion and exploration.
  • The feeling of the two of you coming together for a greater purpose (one that doesn’t jeopardize your happiness but rather expands it).


Note: There is no need to throw out longevity all together. I still work to infuse both passion and longevity in my relationship with my lady (but passion holds the priority).

Plus it’s interesting to note, that in my years of helping people Custom Design their love relationship/life, I’ve found that if you don’t prioritize passion, the relationship won’t survive in any positive way.

Both longevity and passion are possible if you work hard and smart. This doesn’t just mean working hard in one relationship, but in your effort to expand your character, your dating skills and love life on a continual basis. It requires the expansion of your Seductive Integrity.

For that ideal relationship to occur, you have to be the right person (which requires C.I.P.), and you have to be with the right partner (which requires dating a lot, and learning a lot for you to find the right person at the right time, in the right manner).

If this conversation intrigues you, then Vimbasi Relationship Design and Vimbasi Custom Relationships will definitely be something worthwhile for you to check out. For you to find out how it can personally benefit you and your love life, put your information in below and we’ll be happy to continue the conversation.

From the man that likely has your back more than you do:

Ander Adams Seductive Integrity & Relationship Design Mentor of the Vimbasi Warriors


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